Since I kind of reached an age of reason, I wanted to have female friends, mythical girlfriends, mythical, powerful female friendship that so many movies, tv series, medias, and now social media on internet talks about. I never had one. Never. Never had a female friend. I watched movies and tv shows about strong women in great friendships that made each other lives richer, fuller, better, that would do anything one for another. But I've never lived anything even close to that. I had some male friends, but there was always a wall between us, sometimes smaller, sometimes big wall, wall between two people desperately trying not to cross any boundaries. Because, no matter if we are not attracted to each other sexually, or in any way but as friends, no matter that it's just a friend intentions from both sides, that wall is kind of always there. It's always a bit awkward, we can not talk about everything, there are topics that we can and topics that we can't talk about. There is a wall. They do not understand a lot about women, I can't tell them lots of stuff that are bothering me or annoying me or entertain me, because they do not have same opinions or interests, or they just don't care.
I had some girls and women in my life I really tried to befriend. Heck, I have a sister and a daughter, that must be a sure thing, right? No. Every woman in my life left me, ditched me, sometimes just because there were other female friends they wanted more and that were more entertaining, better, more interesting, more fun, more... type whatever.. than me. But even more often, because of some guy. Some guy. When I was in my 20s and there were no cell phones, or anything like that, just landlines, there were too many times I was left waiting for hours for some girlfriend with whom I arranged to meet and "have fun talk, walk, go window-shop or whatever", who NEVER appeared, and I just went home, beaten, sad, only to find out "some guy" just showed up, unannounced, of course, and she was just so happy that he payed attention to her that she completely forgot about me. Or didn't forget, just thought "whatever, there is A GUY here! He is more important, he is a man.". Then I went to visit girlfriend in another town and we went out almost whole night and it was supposed to be girls' night out (there were 3 of us), except the one who made the whole suggestion to meet and go out and have great fun together, spent the whole freaking night dragging the two of us to find "SOME GUY" again. There is alwas SOME GUY.
Later, it just became more difficult. Every male friend I had got married, had kids and disappeared from my life, which is reasonable, kind of. I can understand that. Female friends got married or chased some guy and again, I was obsolete. First him, then every other more interesting, more fun, or at least, closer living woman-friend, then... maybe.. me. Again, canceled meetings (but this time, at least, I was informed, over sms), because husband, boyfriend or some guy just needs her there for something.
Where are those great powerful female freidnships? Are they even real? Why is it so important to chase a man, some guy, more important than anything else. Am I that horrible person? Or just plain dull, boring, stupid, not interesting, not worth any woman's time or loyalty? It's very easy to make a movie about woman searching for love, we have like millions of those. They always have, of course, a group of loyal, amazing female friends, and maybe a token gay male freind, just for diversity sake. When there will be a movie about woman who wants to have female friendship but can't have it? When that pain will arrive as something that is a real problem, that maybe I am not the only one who has it? When that will be a topic of any-freaking-thing?
It's always "some guy" who wins.
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