I am invisible

I am invisible, but not in a sense people may think when someone says this phrase. When someone says they are invisible, they usually mean visually unremarkable, someone that blends in with a crowd that can be easily forgotten. Which is not necessarily a bad thing, if you ask me. While with aging (and I am approaching 54 this year), yes, sure I am becoming visually more and more "unremarkable" with each year, thanks to our social culture that for women only quality is her youth and looks (because we are not humans, see my other article about that topic), I think I am not quite there yet. I am still pretty recognizable, and if I want (but I usually don't) I can stand out in the crowd. But that's not what I mean by invisible. I am invisible as complete person, as personality with all the things I can do and I can offer. And I am pretty sure I am not the only one who feels like that.

Unless you are rich, famous, ultra media-gorgeous, so talented that it's unique in the world and hystory, danger of becoming invisible is not so rare. Possibly a lot of people feel that way but maybe some of them can't really identify that feeling, and why it bugs them so much. Sometimes, some of our real human qualities are recognized by at least one person, which is a lot (trust me), sometimes, they are not seen at all. Maybe it is our fault, maybe we are not loud enough, persistent enough, not fighting or not brave enough, who knows? Maybe we are not in our perfect mindset, or not in good environment to thrive, or we are held back by multiple things. And because of all that, we will never be seen. Which feels like a waste. Which makes me sad, and utterly hopeless. Like we could do so so much more than we ever did, but we will never get that chance. And some changes are already lost.

Like my novel... I started this novel back around 2010, finished it couple of years later. Well, all my novels were written way back at least 15 years ago. This one, I "kind of" translated in English so I can put it on Amazon and try to get some attention, which is hindsight was very optimistic. To be noticed as writer on Amazon, let alone someone who is trying to write in language that is not their own, is virtually impossible. But now that I read what I wrote back then, it has a lot of predictions for today's society, and many, many trends and social issues that are very prevalent in these years. Sure, those things were quite noticeable even back then when I wrote about them in my novel, but now practically everyone talks about it everywhere on social and other media. I feel like I lost. I noticed something more than decade ago, that now everyone sees, and my observations now have no meaning. Especially since my language is not even English so it's not even written so well. I lost. No one cared, no one will ever care about my opinion, even though, I was right, even back then.

And that is just one example. There are things I can do and offer that I just left behind because also, no one fucking cared. Everything you want to develop, you need to work on it and sacrifice everything else, which is a privilege most of us do not have. For some crafts that I may have been great at, I just wasn't brave enough to even try. It felt so hopeless to even invest, lose time, lose money, lose life, just to accomplish nothing.

Crafts and possible talents and work are not the only thing person can offer. This affects both women and men but not in quite the same way. We are often not seen as people we are, how much we can offer as humans, as friends, partners, even as just neighbors. I do not mean here some free labor or community work, though even that is not fully recognized in majoirty of cases. I think a lot of us, as people have much more to offer than anyone can ever see. As an introvert, by many other people, I was always seen as someone who is aloof, cold, distant, boring, quiet, not even worth trying. People who are loud, funny, energetic, fun can attract attention, even provoke other people to see what they are truly like, but people like me, not so much. As a woman, men see me as something that can or can't offer them what they usually see in every single woman in the world. Am I worth his attention and trying and on what level. Am I just for short romance, just for sex and few dates, am I suitable as companion that would offer them all that they expect from a woman (literally ANY woman). Because that is what most of them, if not all, see in me: just one more woman. Shell that was once young and beautiful but with each year loses its value, that may offer them something they could use, maybe sex, maybe romance, maybe for them to feel better about themselves in some way, maybe to listen to them, maybe even to take care of them cook, clean etc. But not much more. That's all I am. And losing value with each passing year because our culture and society teaches us that women are for procreating and domestic work only, and they should be fresh and beautiful and when that all falls apart, what's left? They do not see me, they see what THEY need, or the lack of that.

I can't say women see much more in me, because they don't either. Just, not in the same way. I can't say men are worse to me in any way, because my experiences are different but not great on either side. Women do not like me either, and do not see me either, just in a different, and not even slightly better way than men.

I am a fucking ghost. Ghost who lost all chances, who tried and failed so so many times that it wonders, should I even try? Ghost who turned into "Ghost in the shell" (see what I did there?) burried in my own little home, my cave, my safe place, where no one can ever hurt me or even touch me. My comfort place is my loneliness, being with one single person who knows me: Myself. And that's ok. You do not have to see me, as long as I can see myself. Maybe I do not need to be "of use" to anyone. Maybe I am not meant to leave anything behind. Maybe it's just what life really is.

You exist, and then you don't. And that's fine.