Oldies, when I used to paint in Photoshop (circa 2010)

 

Cry for Help for Serbia, people, nature and animals

Update:  I was to optimistic thinking this will never happen, but it just happened. People, we are all dead! This will arrive to the rest of Europe, keep that in mind! It will not stop. It will go into Danube and other rivers, and every water around, it will arrive to your country too. Don't ignore it!

Sulphuric acid will be poured into ground in thousands and thousands of tons! It will go into underground waters and rivers, and it will spread. It will reach Danube and Europe, and pollute every single water in Serbia and Europe, making it toxic. That will make all the fields toxic, all the food and all the animals dead! For a little amount of lithium we will all be DEAD! Just because some government wanted some money.

You are NEXT!

 I believe everyone knows about "Rio Tinto" affair by now. This is blacklisted, notorious company that leaves nothing but misery, destruction and bare land after they do their "work". Serbia is beautiful country with beautiful nature, lands, forests and rivers, with good people living in villages, who make sensationally good food, cheese, pastries, bread, home made jams, canned fruits and vegetables, various beautiful clothing etc. These areas are still covered with green forests and green hills, lots of animals, cleat air and rivers. Our government just sold us all and designated one large green area for this worst global pollution, lithium mines, using acids and chemicals which will make the whole area inhabitable, poisonous and toxic, it will make this into grey desert.

Not only that, but people who live in the are are FORCED to leave by their taxes that were "suddenly" sky high because they happen to live, for decades or centuries now, on newly declared "building site". They can't pay those taxes and they are forced to sell their own land for little money and move. This is pure exploatation and bullying people into losing everything, into misery, poverty, and losing their homes their ancestors left them. And for what? For a DESTRUCTION of nature and pollution, for lithium that we will never use or purchase, for company that doesn't give a shit about us and none of us here will have any use of it We will be dying decades and centuries after this from pollution, lack of clean air, water, animals will die in the area and pollution will not spare other European countries! It will reach Bulgaria, Romania, Republika Srpska, later Croatia, Greece, and spread all over Europe.

We have all been sold, for money! For few ugly people who will take some stupid money to live nicely while we all here die and pollution in Europe reaches its critical point.

We don't need this! We don't need lithium that badly. No one needs this. Only rich people need this. We don't.

Whole Europe will suffer at one point. Nature will suffer. Please, anyone help stop this abomination!

Life could be, should be great

 Most people today are miserable. Even people you see on Instagram and other social networks looking like they own the world, in best hotels, smiling in bed over the fancy meal, looking like beautiful paintings, they are mostly if not all, miserable. It's the set up. It takes hundreds of photos to get a good one, the lovely looking meal is usually not real or not being eaten, hotel room is costly and most photos don't look that good. It's nice to believe in myth there is such ideal life, and to believe, if we are just beautiful enough, slim enough, if we could get enough money and followers, we could be happy too. But would we?

Now, the large percent of people don't have Instagram life, real or faked, we live in our tiny apartments, or larger apartments, no difference, we go to work, we sleep and eat, and life is just passing by. Some think, van life, life off the grid is the answer. It might be, or maybe not. Problem is, we are not all the same, there is no the same solution for everyone. Some may love life in van, traveling, being mobile, uncertain, maybe "free", some might just hate it. There is no universal recipe for happiness. But one thing is for sure, vast majority of people today are quite unhappy, me included. But why?

Life could be great. Life HAS TO be great! We only live once, we should appreciate every pain free day, every day we have clothes, food, friends or support, sun, air, some form of independence... isn't that all privilege? But no. I see everyday people miserable, sad, tired, no hope left, no single sparkle in eyes left, dead inside, or angry, pissed, looking for reason to hate, to point fingers... Just look at this situation now. People hate each other based on stupid vaccination status! They, media, politicians, rich people, whoever I don't give a shit, made us hate each other based on something this stupid. But there are other things too. People hate each other based on social status, looks, sexual preferences, nationality, religion, gender, political views, because they "just don't like your face", because you walk or talk weirdly, because you are different in any bloody way, there are million reasons to hate. And to love? Being beautiful, young, successful, positive and fun. But even that is not guarantee. To be loved you have to make all of them happy, to be what they want you to be, and you? Who cares how you feel!

Look around. We live in smelly, polluted cities, we rush to work, we wear masks, we wear ugly dark, sad clothes, we have long sad faces, we are bloody miserable! And what happened to this lovely, wonderful thing called nature, we are destroying so fast? Nature does not exclude civilization or cities, it can go together.

who cares about this when we can watch news and hate each other for whatever they tell us to hate. Or we can cry and feel ugly and poor over some Instagram account. Or we can be trapped in concrete inside of some town which used to be beautiful but government is turning it into sad concrete, factories and malls and money because they don't give fucking shit and they need "budget".

What happened to natural human beauty? To people being beautiful because they bloody are, inside and out, without surgeons and media telling us we need to look forever 22 and what is ugly on our natural features. Look at people, they are gorgeous, just when they are not angry, violent or trying to be perfect paintings.

We could all be happy, we have food, so much food is wasted, destroyed for various, mostly political reasons, so much useful things, clothes, furniture, also destroyed meaninglessly, so much destruction, anger, and we could have everything we need.
 

Why do you hate? Why are you angry? Why are you sad? What are we all missing?

More places I'd love to visit

Moscow

First of all, I would love to visit Russia, at least once in my life (so far, no such luck), but Moscow is on my top list of cities to visit. It looks like you are in fairytale! That architecture is just amazing. And I am a bit of a sucker for Russian candies and cakes. Who knows how many things could amaze me there!

Sindey

Never ever been to Australia, but I would love to! Apart from my fear of giant spiders and snakes, I would still love to visit great city of Sidney. Now, who wouldn't? It looks so alive and I bet it has great food and great beaches. Sadly, given how things are now, this will not happen soon.

Oslo

Norway is always mentioned as greatest country to live in. I bet it is. I am not great fan of winter and
very short daylights but for a visit to Norway I would get over it. Oslo looks like a city worth visiting for longer time, if I am lucky (very lucky) even staying and living in it. It looks just so friendly, like you can have a really nice life there.

Amalfi, Italy

I feel in love with Amalfi first time I saw some photos of this lovely little town in the south of Italy years ago! I planned and planned to have a summer Vacation in there, but it never happened. I can't find exact photos I saw and felt instant love, so here are some that are not that cozy, but are still damn amazing. Photos I saw were of an incredibly beautiful street with lovely markets, sun, lots of green and I just couldn't stop looking at them. Amalfi, I hope to be there one day! I hope I'd live there one day!

Pamukkale, Turkey

I know, I know, this is a tourist trap, and I have been to Turkey many times and I always loved it. Turkey is special, I was always finding something new and amazing, and those sweets! Sea and beaches are just absolutely unforgettable, food is great, people are so nice, I saw such lovely houses and buildings, architecture and art is just incredible, and of course, cats, cats everywhere.

Still, I never took time to see Pamukkale and I regret that now. Always thought "there will be time". But now, well.. I still hope.

'

Places in the world I would love to visit

 I didn't travel much. There are some reasons why it is like that, I am single mom, not enough money, not enough Vacation days to go really far, flights are expensive, I have cats and one of them has extensive fear of living the apartment, and now there is this virus... mostly those things. But life is short and some recent health scares reminded me of that. I have no idea how much I have left, maybe 20 years, maybe 2, maybe it's months. How much of that is quality life? We have to live in the moment, so why is that so hard?

There are many places I would like to visit. If I had time/money/opportunities I would like to see every piece of this world, no exceptions. So what would be interesting on the top of my head?

This list is not final, but if I had a bucket list, these would be like first to come in mind:

Tokyo

of course I would love to visit Tokyo! It looks so different than any city or country I have ever been to. And it has so many interesting things to see, experience, feel, food to try, places to visit.

Seoul

I read so many Korean comics, I just love them! I love Korean culture, I would like to try food, to walk the streets, to shop for famous cosmetics, to talk to people... everything!

London

Oh city of diversity, city of so many famous culture phenomenon, so many famous tv series and characters we all love, British humor, famous pubs, street food of every single nation, so many things to see!

New York

Does this even need explanation? Live city that has everything, interesting, fast, full of energy. I want to breathe the air of New York at least once in my life.

Bali

Well, duh!

Beijing

Of course, Beijing, culture, art, food, beautiful city, tradition, lovely country! Just look at these green areas, this lovely art, everything in this city is art!

Singapore

Honestly, every photo I have seen of Singapore is just breath taking!

Barcelona

Spain, place where I would like to live! I would happily learn Spanish if there is any chance for me to live in this beautiful country. I heard that food is amazing, people are warm and friendly, weather is beautiful and warm, and it looks just dreamy.

How we lived before internet and social networks

 There was a time back then, when I was 19, 20, 25... back back in the '90s. It was different times, so much different than now. I can see that because I was there, and I am here now. I am not young anymore for long time and I can't even imagine how it is to be born right into the world of social media, internet, hundreds of channels on cable, Netflix, Hulu, reality shows, everyone's opinion online, everyone's life online, every single opinion out in the open... so much information, so many things, so so much of it right into your brain since you were born.

Yes, internet, electronic media and social networks can seem like a great things that make life so much easier, but now, everything about everyone is out in the open. Your life is in the open, and what is worse, your lie is worth nothing. You are just a number, a small human in the sea of 7 billion other humans, and only lives that are "worth" (not really but you know what I mean) is rich, super rich people and people who have real power. Maybe celebrities? The rest of us are just sheep to them. We are source of their money and power, their meat for wars, their "likes" for their news and their orders how we should all live to make their lives even better. I know I sound like a foil hat weirdo but honestly, aren't we? Can you say you are not?

Maybe it was like that before, probably yes to certain point, but God, we were so blissfully unaware of that! We had two or three freaking channels on TV and we watched tv when there was a good movie on or hardly ever. We had paper documents. We received salaries on hand in envelope. We were outside. No one had android or even cell phone. We had to meet and know people in real life. We could go out and talk, have fun, parties, with no one ever watching their phone, or taking photos. We just enjoyed the moment, no one bothered to take picture of it or paste it somewhere pubic for others to see. We had fun, and we weren't missing anything to have that fun. No realities, no tv shows, no social media to compete, just fun.

No one cared to look super polished, with amazing body and impossible face features that resemble dolls. No one cared that much about make up or hair style, or clothe brands. We wore whatever we wanted, we had natural hair, some dyed it mostly at home, some wore crazy bold make up, we were beautiful, we knew it and we didn't have beauty standards of body and face we felt obliged to follow. Sure, there were super models at the time, but they were totally natural great genes beauties, and we admired their beauties, we had their posters, we copied their hair or clothes sometimes, but we didn't try to be them! We didn't think we are ugly comparing ourselves to super models.

We had pop idols who had genuine charisma, who could be caught by photographers looking cool and relaxed at any time, people who had work and talent behind them. Now, it's just a factory of young teens, with tons of stylists, writers, choreographers, personal photographers, make up artists and super styled unreal photos with army of people who watch them and praise or bully them.

Once upon a time people actually had to meet in person. There were no dating sites, so you had to invest some charm, courage and social skills to meet friends and date. there were problematic things, sure, but there are now too.

In my country, we had wars at the time, we had super inflation, we had no money, we were poor, but we did have hope, we did have joy, we did have innocence still. This today is not life anymore. Now it's time to contact my home planet and get the heck out of here.

Why media people do this?

 When I sit to think which profession causes people most anxiety, most fear, most aggressiveness, which profession causes most wars, civil fights and rise of depression and other mental disorders in people, I can't but to think about media, journalism and everything else involved into that area.

Why journalists do that? Are they even aware of damage they are making or is it all about likes and number of readers and views on page? Is that everything the world is about today, not to make the world better, not to make people more loving, more caring and to bring peace and awareness but to create more abuses, more violence and more anxiety?

I made mistake and read few articles with news today and my anxiety went sky high. So much apocalyptic news and predictions, so much oh so inhumane and dangerous, rude and violence provoking statements from people who are making important decisions on our lives. So many comments from readers, riddled with aggressiveness, hate, anger, violence, ignorance or plain fear and panic. Is that the world we are supposed to live in? World where fear, anxiety, anger and violence gets most votes? Why media even does that? There are so many quite questionable things and articles placed in everyday media read by millions of people. Do you, people who write this, even have conscience? Or you are led only by greed to get as much views and likes as you can?

World could be beautiful but you make it ugly. We could feel good but you make us feel fear, anger, you are poisoning us, so ask yourself a question why are you posting your article before you press that button. We need more articles about gardening, about nurturing, growing your own vegetables and fruits, about various crafts, arts, love, helping endangered animals and ways to help anyone, but really help not just throw tantrums. We need more beauty and serenity, love, understanding, acceptance of others, helping the Earth stopping to go deeper into climate changes, stopping pollution, saving nature, having understanding and compassion for others, not judging anyone without having enough information and less about greedy, angry and hateful people.

Or is it all about likes, and views?

Plastic surgeons and doctors for Aesthetics procedures on youtube

 Recently I get a lot of videos made by plastic surgeons and various physicians in Aesthetics procedures in my youtube recommended. I am not sure how this happened but I watched a string of these videos by various medical doctors just to see what it's about. I have nothing against medical procedures that exist to make you feel better about your looks and make you feel beautiful or look younger. That is actually a great thing. If I had money, of course I would like some of these procedures on me, mostly non invasive ones because I am scared of surgeries. I can also understand these highly educated people live from these procedures and of course they will promote it. But there are differences in ways they do it. Some do it in good ways, giving advice on each procedures, warnings what not to do, recommendations of what is best for you, how to get the best results etc. Some are even fun and create creative videos that are as funny as they are informative. But there are some that kind of bothered me.

The thing that bothered me in some of these channels and videos is how these medical doctors describe "ideal beauty" or "desirable looks" which are always connected to specific features. Features that apparently we need to have in order to be beautiful or desirable. Features that are found in very young people, and not even most of them, that are purely genetics and can't last. Most of them are so grossed out by square face, strong bottom part of face and weight around lower third of face in general. That is apparently "sign of aging" and "not desirable" and has to be fixed in order to achieve "V shaped face". That "V shaped" lower jaw and tightness around jaw is something that we apparently need to strive to have. Why? So many people don't even have "V shaped" jaw, it's connected to genetic traits, nationality, race, ethnic background etc, so most of us don't have that specific trait not even in early youth, so we are ugly? We all need surgeries? Because surgeons and aestheticians need more jobs?

Look, it's fine to promote your job, you can say what you can do, what are available treatments and what is the best about each one. You can tell prices, downsides and upsides, you can tell us what are risks and what are best results. That's fine. There is nothing wrong with wanting to look prettier FOR YOU, not for anyone else or for what some surgeon thinks is pretty.

But listing preferred, very specific features, like full lips with upper lip slightly raised (to sell lip lifts and fillers), "V shaped sharp lower jaw" to sell face lifts, telling people weight around lower jaw or thin lips or hooded eyes (to promote eyebrow lift) are basically ugly just for you to have more work is just wrong. You are cashing on insecurities of people and making people feel ugly because they are not born with features you think are desirable. People can be and can feel beautiful with whatever features they have. At whatever age they are. They can be beautiful, be desirable and feel great about their looks. They can want to change something about themselves but not because you said "square jaw is ugly" or "hooded eyes are ugly" but because they want to, and it can be whatever the heck they want. Or they can simply grow old and still feel great.

No one is ugly, unless they are very ugly inside as person. No single feature is ugly. It's just fashion.

How Hollywood sees people of different ages

Children, small and a bit bigger up to maybe 15 - creepy (very small children especially up to 5), scary, or quite annoying and bratty, lots of screaming and tantrums, sometimes children of 8 or 9 years annoyingly smart like they are 101.

Teenagers and young adults up to maybe 28 - stupid, overly too sexual, targets to maniacs and killers, in almost every single horror, or annoying and clingy, sometimes heroes and last girls standing.

Adults from 28 to circa 35 - engaged in thrillers, dramas, marriage stories, serious topics, usually with lots of sex scenes.

Adults from 35 to 55 - moms and dads, serious, side characters, boring, sometimes play cops or detectives or doctors but almost never as main characters.

Older adults - over 65 or 70 - cute and silly in comedies, sometimes dirty and evil, or overly creepy, scary, trying to kidnap you and steal your youth.

I am very tired

First thing to state, which is a fact, a fact most people forget until it's too late. Here we go:

Life is short.

Second fact:

You live ONCE, only once, you are young once, you are 25 (for example), or 35 or 55 once, and then you are older. Even if you believe in reincarnation, even if you are religious, the fact is, your life in this body you have now, will be just once. You have no idea if you will be born second time and in which circumstances and if there is heaven or hell and where will you end up. Or if there is only emptiness after life. Whatever it is, this body, this life you now have, will be no more.

Just remember this next time you get mad about something someone said about you, or when you are upset about something at work, or when you accidentally "embarrass" yourself like for example fart in public, or whenever you are sad or upset about the current state of the world or something you can not change. Or when you are sad and worried and miserable over something that might happen in future but also it might not. Or when you want other people to treat you certain way or think of you in way you want them to, or behave the way you think they should (spoiler alert: you can not and should not affect what other people do, think or behave).

You will waste your life. You are wasting it now. That is the fact. I do that. I worry about climate changes, I worry about destroying of nature, animal species, children sold into slavery, endless meaningless wars, factories polluting the Earth, people I care about who are just self-destructive and I can't do shit about it, you name it.

Only a month ago, I turned 49. That's almost half a century. I could live for 20 more years, or 3 years, or 6 months. No one knows. The older you are changes you will die each day are greater. Am I tired because of my age?

No, I am tired of being negative, living in future or in past, of fears, my own or other people's fears forced on to me, of being scared, of being worried, of manipulations of media and people around me, I am tired of news and articles about everything that is wrong with this world, for which I also can't do shit to fix it, of people talking about crap in their lives, about are you for or against some current crap, about who is to blame for anything, I am tired of perpetual victims, of sadness, of darkness, of anger and hate, of everything that just makes me upset and miserable because I can still feel.

Maybe it's not too late at 49 to realize, I just want to live my life, what is left of it, the way I want to. I deserve it. I want to read, draw, paint, watch movies, eat, cook, sleep until 10am on weekends, do my job the best I can and spend my money the way I want to. Is that selfish? Well, then I am selfish. I am too poor to help other people in need, I am too insignificant to change the world or affect anything that is wrong with it, I know now I can't change other people and I shouldn't, they have to WANT to change and ask for help (that almost never happens), I can help in small places in small doses, and I can't change the world.

I should learn to live in peace with those facts. No one has to help me, no one has to be whatever I want them to be, no one has to change their opinion on me or anything else. I should filtrate and take what I want from the world, I can't solve every problem and every issue, and I shouldn't suffer because I can't. I shouldn't be afraid or intimidated of what can happen in future because it still didn't happen, and it might never happen. I can't cry that much about past, because I can't get it back. That is just the way it is. We are getting old. The longer you are miserable, the more is YOUR OWN loss, no one's else's, except maybe for people that care about you. Why would you want them to suffer? Life is short, life is once, that is the fact.

Expectations of life

 Are great or less great expectations of life harmful for us? They might be. Everyone has goals,  expectations, plans and wants that to work. But, what happens if that doesn't happen for us? Because, no matter how hard we work, no matter how hard we try, push, life is not predictable, more often than not, it doesn't go our way and it's not "working" as we want it. More often than not things don't turn out as we want them.

Note: Of course, I am not super smart person, or life coach or educated as psychologist or whatever, so all this is just my opinion based on my experience.

What are some common expectations?

Sometimes, we work a lot to get a job of our dreams, or be famous. And we work really a lot, looking at people who got famous, who got that dream job, but with far less work, far less competence and less talent than we have. So why wouldn't it work for us? Because, sometimes it doesn't. There is no explanation, everything that happens is a complex structure of circumstances, current events, right moment at the right time (or wrong), connections, people and places etc. There is no sure, no-fail formula for any success. Even if you work your ass off, even if you get to know all the right people, even if you are proven talent... nothing is guaranteed, sorry. So, putting your eggs in that one basket can result in not only large disappointment but also losing all other opportunities you missed in life, chasing this single one.

Sometimes, we have expectations in love, and that is very tricky because people say that the harder you try to find and keep love, more desperate you become and harder it gets. But if you don't try at all, again, of course, you will not find it. Obviously, there is a thin, thin area of luck (to meet right person), investment, compromise and balance of give and take for love to become present in your life. Even then, even if you invest every aspect of you, find the right person, do all the right things, there are no guarantees. Hollywood serves us ideals of love which can not exist in real life or at very least, can not persist for some time, and this can make our expectations even more unrealistic. Not even realistic expectations in love can always succeed. Not so rarely, it happens that even modest expectations don't work for you. That can make person miserable. They failed in love. Expectations of life in love can destroy everything else beautiful you have in life. Why let it happen?

Perfect face and body. There is so much of this issue on social media. People who show their amazing bodies as "before" photo only to show "after" photo of even thinner, even more muscular body. People who upload photos of their "puberty glow up", people who upload their photos of any "glow up", after weight loss, after plastic surgery etc. There is nothing wrong with being proud with your accomplishments. You should be. But, problem arises when you spend most of your life being miserable trying to achieve that perfect face and body. Problem arises when your goal is just not realistic, not achievable, not something you need and won't really make you happy anyway. Problem is when you are miserable because of things you can not change. And when getting old becomes problem because you think you will not be beautiful anymore and getting old naturally, letting yourself look old becomes "social failure".

What to do?

I am not life coach, I myself am lost and have lots of unhealthy expectations, not better than anyone else. But, if I think deeply, I would say my goal would be to live in a moment, not yesterday, not tomorrow, not in future, not in past. Not to have rigid plan of life that could go awry and make me miserable, not to have great expectations which are related to changing other people's will and decisions, or to accidental circumstances, and when those fail, not to be miserable and think it's all my fault. Just keep going. Have my own opinions and not let other who disagree with me bring me down and thing that I am stupid or wrong. We are all entitled to our opinions as long as it doesn't actively hurt someone. As I am pushing 50, look people, life is short, eat, drink, catch any happy moment, read good books, go out if you want, sit home if you prefer, watch good movies or read good comics, sleep, have hobbies, whatever makes you happy. Don't look back, past is gone. Don't fright the future, it's not here yet. Just fucking live! And I am saying this desperately to myself too. I just won't listen.

Summer 2021