I tried fighting my depresseion many times. I have my fake smile that probably does not fool anyone, I have my weak jokes, usually at my own account, I mostly seclude in my apartment and don't go out almost ever. If I go among people I can only recognize how mentally bad I am, so I just avoid it. I might be wrong but possibly a lot of people feel like this. Pressing anxiety, along with my terrible health anxiety, joined with even more pressing depression, and seeing how far I am, or how far I feel, behind other people. In every aspect of life that counts.
It's not allowed to say this. I tried joining online groups for people with depression and funny thing is, in these stupid groups, it's only allowed to surface complain, whine, but not too much. If you even try to say what's really on your mind, you are banned. How "funny" this is? I mean, really. The whole thing is a joke. People crying online, real people, crushed, and the "group" allowes them only to whine in general, a lot of words are forbidden, a lot of things they really feel are forbidden to even write. Like on Youtube, we all know what "Grape" means, or "corn", but well, someone could be triggered if we say the real words. And we can't allow that in this world, can we?
And I fucking predicted all that in my novel which is probably the lowest selling on Amazon (Mima, and life on planet Inferno), even AI generated slops are in better shape than what I invested years of work and thoughts to write. Another "life-victory" for me! Yey! How not to be so happy as I am now. Constantly thinking about worst-case scenarios that can happen in life (that's anxiety, my dear, most underrated mental disease ever), constantly depressed, and of course, yes, being years deep in perimenopause hell does not help, does it. I feel like wherever I turn, people accomplished something I didn't, and I don't just mean art or business, I mean life in general. I worked and worked and nothing. Crap. Zero. I wrote this novel and the other two, more than 15 years ago and I predicted A LOT, but now, everyone knows that, so it does mean shit that I saw it a lot before. I am not English native so my writing in English sucks, and in Serbia, no one reads, especially not horror or some sf type of crap.
It's not just work, crafts and hobbies that I am failing at in life, it's that at ripe age of 54, I have zero friends, zero real support, zero relationships, zero hope that I will have anything else but cats, which is the only thing I feel like still holds my purpose (although, some people threaten to call police on me because they hate cats, or life in general probably, so that's going "great" for me too). It's not that there are zero people interested in me as a person, it's more like they are too late. I am not that person that I used to be anymore, I lack energy to get close to anyone, I lack will, positivity to engage into anything, closeness, sharing, giving time and effort. I am too done with everything. It's just too late for me.
I am not a person who hates people. There are people who I really want to avoid, like angry, vicious, aggressive people, people who are miserable like me, but who are fully unaware of it so they are trying very hard to make others miserable to feel better about themselves (this does not work!). It's just that when I am not alone, when I am among people, that just reminds me how lonely I really am, and what a huge loser I am. And, sadly, I am fully aware, that next to some unfortnate circumstances, majority of that is my fault.
So yes, I feel sometimes the "forbidden word". I am not allowed to say it or even write it online anywhere (I tried), but just like people on those depression groups, I am not allowed to express it in any way. Like that's going to help me or anyone, trying to ignore things that are happening.
And yes, I've seen number or doctors, psychiatrists, psychoanalists, therapists etc. I have seen doctors of all profiles, all they can do is tell you phrases you heard million times before, things you already know, or give you meds with a list of side-effects that would make arsenic poison blush. So, why bother?
We are not alloed to say or write or express in any way if we feel very very bad and that's the fact. It's not something this world wants to hear from anyone. As if you could, you know, accidentally, lure in some otherwise happy soul into problems by just saying something wrong. Or push someone who is already struggling into deep end. Or I guess that's the logic. I think, by saying things out loud, maybe people who feel the same would relate, feel some closeness, feel understood. But this is not happening,. This world is so cooked.
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