The Awakening (part 3)

Part 3: Stem cells

Fast forward to the day when I could successfully roll around in a wheelchair, which wasn't even electric, but old-fashioned, with the wheels that I had to push with my hands. My legs were now functional, but not enough to walk on my own. They wouldn't let me out of my cell...ups sorry, I mean hospital room, except when they were driving me for tests, scans, endless needle poking and electrocutions. During those not-so-pleasant tests and treatments, I had the opportunity to take a look at my arms and legs, and even my torso, and it was clear that whatever they did, they managed to rejuvenate my body by at least twenty years. I wasn't optimistic about that because a dark-haired young man, Dr. Marianusic, told me that almost half of the stem cell treatments ended "very, very badly." I didn't want to ask for details. After all, what do I have to lose at my age? After an additional two hundred years of half-life in ice?

I became nervous from all the testing, riding in and on wheelchairs and being locked in rooms. During what seemed to me like an infinitely long time after waking up, I never saw a trace of the sky, not a single window. I dared to mention this wish to see the sky to my always "optimistic" doctor Marianusic. He was the oldest of those people, but still much younger than me, I mean, younger than me before the disaster and everything.

"We have no windows, nothing to see out there," he said. These people have no sense of humor, or even a single try to lighten up a hopeless situation.

"You mean, all that's left is this building and nothing else? Put me then back under the ice right now!”

"Uh, no, far from it, calm down," always so serious he took it all literally, "there are cities, but you know, it's dark. You can't see anything anyway."

"But when it dawns..."

"You don't understand, it won't dawn. Ever. The city is illuminated by artificial lights, but beyond that there is nothing. Just blackness. This building is not under a dome so there is no light outside and the temperatures are extremely low. Windows are unnecessary, and dangerous."

I had periods of regretting being awaken from the time spent in a frozen sleep, which I thought would last forever. The need for peace, sleepiness, light that refracts in rainbow colors forever. The feeling that I am where I am, that I have nothing to lose and that I will exist forever, even if only as a fragment of consciousness in a frozen body. This was one of those periods, perhaps the strongest. I asked him why they woke me up, took me out of the ice, why me, and why, when there was nothing left and nothing to see. I felt that there was nothing here left but buildings and a handful of people. Who wants to see that? Who wants to live there? They also rejuvenated me to last longer. Why me, I asked.

I was closest to the surface and had the best vitals. Here's an explanation! It was certainly easier to reach people who were lucky enough to be close to the surface of the ice, and I had, judging by their measurements, surprisingly strong vital functions, almost as if my brain was still working, albeit at a very weak level. They just had to dig me up! Who were "they", you ask? It seems that a group of people, before the disaster, felt they had the right to determine who would survive and accordingly, certain people were put safely into a state of hibernation, deep, deep underground. The survivors' selection system was tragicomic and expected. Those who had enough money (but what was the meaning of money at that moment?), those who had influence and power, and those closest to the participants in the whole project. So, survivors were chosen over personal connections. It is no wonder that their descendants are completely empty and without a trace of spirit. Hibernation lasted as long as fifty years, after which they managed to wake up "the majority", as the good doctor said. In the meantime, the dangerous situation on the surface, although still not safe, calmed down a bit and soon they started to rebuild and salvage what could be saved. It seems that I was lucky, at least that much, that I was not among the first to be pulled out of the ice. The first people they tried to extract from the ice simply disintegrated, some unfortunately, upon awakening, fully aware of what was happening to them. It wasn't pleasant to think about it during the long nights. My cold and bland doctor didn't know if such a fate could befall me, but the failed ones were followed by more and more complete revival successes, so that the majority of those who were awakened were still alive and well, decades after the awakening.

"After all," he said without thinking, "you were a perfect candidate for a trial of stem cell therapy because of your age you were . . ."

He stopped there, obviously realizing that it wasn't very smart to say "expendable", that is, I am so old that it wasn't too bad for me to fail and die in the process.

"Um, um, I wanted to say that there would be no effect with younger candidates. Stem cell treatment can rejuvenate you, but  can't bring you back to puberty. It can only go so long."

"What happens if things go wrong?" I asked, and the silence was a more terrifying answer than anything he could've said.

"What kind of society is this?" I asked after a very long and uncomfortable silence during which I could clearly read pure terror on his face.

"Not very great," he finally answered and I felt the first rush of sympathy for him for this honesty.

"Is it better not to go out?"

The Awakening (part 2)

Part2: I am awake

 I ask them to straighten me up, everything hurts from lying down and my eyes are constantly fixed on the not so interesting ceiling. My mind is in an incredible confusion and I have many questions. They carefully pick me up and place me in a wheelchair. This is my life now. I remember being 67 years old. An old woman completely paralyzed, in a wheelchair, who can only blink and squeak a little. Why did they wake me up? The view from the upright position is not much more interesting than the ceiling. Everything around me is white, and it immediately reminds me of a hospital. The smell of antiseptics, steel, alcohol, the whiteness of painted walls and the silvery shine of steel. Doesn't look comforting at all, ice was better. Around me is a group of people, young people, I would say, maybe in their thirties. There are four of them and they are all dressed in sterile white suits from head to toe. Two of them wear complex helmets, like the one I hallucinated that it was a ship, and they hold some devices, staring at them then staring at me.

"Patient number 287, female, 67 years old, fully conscious, general health excellent," says the woman with the "ship" on her head.

"First and foremost, child, I'm not a number, I have a name even though I can't remember it now. Second, my health is not good, as you can see, I can't move, to begin with.”, my voice sounds stronger than before, but seems softer than I remember.

"Um, your name is Tatiana Ristic, if the information I have are correct. Your health is phenomenal, especially for your age. We further improved it with your stem cells that we synthesized for this purpose. Your mobility will be back soon, we are working on it. You've been frozen for over two hundred years, it's a miracle you're even alive."

The name sounded very familiar to me, that my health is "phenomenal" not really, but the question is: compared to what my health is so good? After all, they pulled me out of the two hundred year old ice. Anything that survives such conditions and can still blink and even speak is in phenomenal condition.

“Can you move your hand, Tanya? May I call you Tanya?", a confused red-haired young man with a beard.

"Absolutely you can't," I said stubbornly. However, I managed to raise my right arm a little. I twirled my fingers. Only then did I notice something unusual. It wasn't my hand. Or is it? I tried to bring it closer to my eyes but I didn't manage to do it. However, even from that distance I could tell the difference. One of the young women noticed my confusion.

"Stem cell therapy changed you a little, um... that happens. Physically, you are now at the level of about forty years old."

"There are risks to this therapy, of course," jumped in a dark-haired youngster with a mop of curly hair, "but we had to resort to revitalization for the sake of cell recovery after deep acceleration. I think you handled the whole process brilliantly. Even better than our patients do, usually."

I wasn't sure if I wanted to ask for a mirror. I decided it was better not to think about it for now. I still wasn't even sure who I was.

The Awakening (part 1)

Part 1: After The End

I don't remember the event of the disaster, I don't even remember certain details, segments. That entire short period has been erased from my memory. Only after the end of the world I remember a period of consciousness that I cannot explain, because I was as dead, just as everyone else on earth, frozen forever in a giant block of ice. I didn't panic, which might be understandable in the given situation, I calmly observed the frozen world around me, the glassy walls of the ice cave and the block of ice in which we were all caught like insects in amber. There was little light in there, only a few glimmers that refracted hundreds of times on the icy rocks and penetrated into the open eyes of those of us who met our ends awake and aware. I was freed from everything, feelings, pain, physical needs, even aging, I felt a peace that I had never felt before. The peace of someone who has absolutely nothing left to lose. All I had was the play of lights and shadows, the ice and a small remnant of consciousness and my eyesight that was eternally watching the new, cold and silent world that would never change again. That lasted a long, long time, but not forever, as I had hoped.

It started with blackness. The light was gone, completely, as if it had been turned off by a switch. Then pain, first in one part on my body, then on three, then on seven, then everywhere, like a fire that spreads and consumes everything in front of it. I was burning alive, and I couldn't move or speak. What is your version of hell? This could've easily been mine. I could have sworn I heard human voices, and understood parts of sentences, or maybe I just pulled them out of my own almost completely extinguished consciousness.

"She's in agony, painkillers won't help! We will lose her!”

"Put her in induced coma!"

After those words, which I may or may not have heard, everything disappeared, voices, ice, light, darkness, pain, and the last trace of my existence. The next thing I remember were trails of light. This was not the same light as before, there was no numbness and stillness, nor the feeling that I no longer had a body. I could sense the weight of my body again, I had eyes that processed the painful light around me, thoughts that were no longer calm or carefree. The peace of non-existence was taken from me. I was useless in this new state, much more so than when I was dead in the ice. My vision was poor and blurred, my eyes could hardly bear the light that was too strong for me, I couldn't move my body. How old was I? I couldn't remember that either. I was desperately trying to remember who I was and if I even existed, if I ever existed.

A bright light was shining from somewhere, and I saw, with my ancient frozen eyes, a woman in a white dress, passing by me. Braided into her long hair was a model of an old-fashioned wooden ship, complete with sails, ropes and everything. I heard my own hysterical giggles. Someone in the room commented that I must be hallucinating. That comment really annoyed me. I was sad that they pulled me out of the ice, and I had the impression that they had no idea what they were doing. They were pushing me on a stretcher around white rooms, scanned and tested and scanned me again, I felt pokes and pricks on my arms where they drew blood and injected nutrients directly into my blood, excruciatingly painful needle stabs in my thighs, for which I guess they were taking my bone marrow for tests, they were running low voltage electric charges into my muscles and other invasive tests and treatments that I just wanted to put behind me as soon as possible. Why didn't they just leave me in the ice when they are treating me like I'm not even alive and like I can't feel anything? Why there is no day or night, and all I see is artificial light and few shadows?

Finally, after what I felt like a long time, I saw a face. Brown hair, shoulder length, female face, about thirty-odd years old and yes, haha, a helmet with a bunch of wires on it, which was my "ship" apparently. They underestimated me, I wasn't hallucinating, I just thought it was a ship for some reason. I laugh and the same annoying voice from earlier comments that I'm hallucinating. Again.

"Your grandma is hallucinating, you ass!" I said. My voice is shrill and low, but everyone immediately fell silent.

Depression and why we are more depressed today than in middle ages

 Middle ages were tough. I don't know much about it but, for a start, just living without medications, pain killers and dentistry today sounds rough enough. I am sure people had very difficult lives, there is no doubt about it. However, I am wondering, was depression and anxiety on such high level as today? Were people so apathetic, anxious, sad and lonely as people today? I hope some history research can find that out.

Why people today are so depressed, lonely and sad? As an individual I can only guess, as everyone has their own reasons and their own circumstances. Life is never easy. Problem could be...

We have too much information

We know too much. We know everything about all diseases, we can even search our own symptoms which only provoke further anxieties. Sure, it could save lives, sometimes, but in majority of cases it will cause a lot of unnecessary anxiety and fear. We also have access to all news. A lot of portals, news and tabloids live and feed on scandals and spreading panic, but some also just want to warn us of what is happening, albeit that is almost always fruitless effort. We can approach and read daily doses of dark prognosis for humanity and our planet (some of it unfortunately close to truth), dark numbers of sick people, dark truths about state of ecology of our planet, wars and reportages of what one human can do to another to make you sick in the stomach etc. We can also see dark, dark sides of human nature where people torture other people or innocent animals, where lives are sold as nothing, where people bully some individuals to get them to the edge, and most of all, people hiding behind their internet persona uncovering their worst sides which now we can see. We can clearly see now how much hate is in this world, how much meaningless fights, meaningless hatred, anger and sadness is all around us, how many truly scary or truly sad people are out there. It's not something that is good for our mental health.

We are constantly reminded what we are missing

Of course, there is the other side. People who seemingly have it all. Beautiful people, impossibly great, meaningful lives, happy couples and group of friends that remind us how alone we are, people who did something great and meaningful in life which makes us feel useless and like we didn't try hard enough, even though we did or we don't need to. It constantly reminds us that there are people who are rich, beautiful and lucky, people who are successful and how that all should be most important thing in our lives. This is devastating for most people who feel like they didn't achieve what they wanted. Instead of giving those people more chances in lives, instead of trying to make world better place and giving a chance to everyone to feel achieved and successful, we are forced to think that there are only few ways to be "important" and "achieved" and it sucks! Instagram, tabloids, people showing off in multiple ways, people showing their immense beauty which is now forced upon us as one of the values individual "must have", it all makes us feel "not enough". A lot of people feel unnecessarily "ugly" or "useless" or "not achieved", just because they compare themselves to all internet "stars" who seemingly have it all.

We compare

Socializing is in really bad state

The fact is, people don't socialize as they used to. We see people who are great friends in movies and sitcoms, and it feels like that would be great having in real life, but when you don't have it you can't help but to feel something is wrong with you. Why your life is not like life of influencers or like life in tv shows? Where are your trusty friends? The truth is, most of us are so scared of rejection in real life that we all live online, hoping we will find our group of friends or partner which never happens. Because internet is not life. Because you have to be outside meeting people to have friends, but that doesn't happen anymore, especially for people who are not in their 20s anymore. With aging it just gets more and more difficult. People also have low threshold of what they can tolerate. Most people think they can always "do better", because this world gives us that illusion and people are prone to prejudices to others and judging on the spot without getting into knowing someone for real.

It's exceptionally hard for introverts, because they lack socializing capabilities to start with. You need to actually approach someone and keep their interest and that is too much work. If you have low confidence you won't even try. You will just stay alone and suffer. And others will not help because people now have so many options to keep their interests, so many ways to meet other people, no one needs you. They can do whatever.

People are very lonely, more than ever.

You know too much bad stuff about people and world around us

It's so easy to hide online. It's so much easier to post hateful, ugly messages, to spread hate and to bully others. You can pretty safely be misogynistic, racist, nationalist, hateful and deeply intolerant of everything you personally "don't believe in". You can be really ugly if you want. And everyone can see all that ugliness, hate, prejudices, ignorance, even pure evil. We now know those people exist, and they are all around us, they are hidden between us. You are fully aware there is someone who hates you just because you are, for example, born as a woman. Or born as certain nationality. Or whatever. You are aware more than ever that there are dozens of meaningless wars and fights around the world because everything is online. You are aware of crimes, you degeneracy, everything! More than you want.

We have only illusion of help

Helping someone who is depressed or has other problems should come from friends and family and people who care, a lot. Sometimes, that's not possible and then help should be provided by professional. But that's not always the option. It's not easy to find the right professional, although in theory, every educated person in that area should be "the right professional". But, we all had experience with therapists or psychiatrists that we just didn't feel like it was working for us. And it costs money and our time! So, help is not always easy to find. Sometimes, and maybe this is just my experience, even professionals can't find the way to help you and you are feeling like you are just wasting your time and money. Sometimes, they just make loads of prescriptions for various meds as solution for all my problems. You can reach, ask for help, but in real world, you just might reach into empty space.

Women against feminism

 What is feminism? By one short definition I found it is "feminism, the belief in social, economic, and political equality of the sexes.". Simple and clear enough. I believe it also enabled women to have much more choices in life and how they would want to live. With feminism, not only they were socially equal, could work respectful jobs and earn much more money than before and could vote and be respected as equal members of society, they also got freedom to decide how they want to live their lives. Will they marry or not, will they work or not, have children or not, whatever life they wanted and couldn't have before. So, what is wrong with that?

Nothing. Really, it doesn't take away anything from men, rather it gives them a lot, like an equal partner who also can work and earn, someone they can have great conversation without society telling them that women are basically just decorations that can birth children, they are humans! And have feelings, and intellect and artistic talents and knowledge. Again, what is wrong with that? No one is forcing you to work, no one is forcing you to be a business woman, you can chose not to. You can chose to live like like before feminism and that's ok too.

So, why so many young women online hate feminism so much?

Are they aware how different all their lives would be without feminism? That they would not earn money on social media, or be on social media at all? That they would have determined lives they would have to live and no rights whatsoever. I feel like there could be few explanations why do they declare they hate feminism.

First, they have no idea what feminism is. A lot of people think feminists are some dirty, ugly women, dressed in rags, who go around yelling that they hate men. Or some privileged women who go around yelling that men are inferior to women. Or that it's something that forces them to work and be a "boss babe" whatever that is. Or something like that. It isn't. It doesn't even fit the definition. None of that is feminism. I have no idea what it is, but feminism? No.

Second, they are "pick me" women who want to be liked by men at any cost. Those are women who will easily throw other women under the bus (figurately speaking) presenting themselves as girls who believe women do not need rights, they just need smart and capable men to lead them through life. I mean, if that's what YOU want, fine. But, please do not push that ideal on others, we might not want it.

Third, it's just ignorance. Most young women today grew up on social media and have no idea how the world works neither they care. They have no idea there are still parts of the world where young boys under 14 are forced into wars, where little girls are sold or married under age of 12 or where people, men and women have no basic rights. Women like those don't care, all they see in life is social media, and what it tells them. They have no idea of history, or fights people had through history, many horrors of humanity, misery that still rules in some parts of the world, those women only know what they see online and that is truth to them. They do not care. They see that people, especially men, react very positively when a girl says "I hate feminism" so they will say it, and repeat it and look cute, and think they are so smart.

Now please, no one should hate anyone, especially not based on gender, whatever it is. That's stupid. No gender should lose rights, that would be fascism. If you personally don't like your rights you should just not use them instead of bragging how you don't like the rights that make you money just to gain followers or get male approval. Also, please, educate yourself, stop on meaningless hate, stop posting nonsense where you are trying to get rights away from half of the planet because YOU don't like the idea! Stop being hateful to any gender or any group of people. EOUGH IGNORANCE AND ENOUGH HATE ALREDY!

Why is Hollywood obsessed with high school children?

Once upon a time, I tried watching Riverdale, and failed. It started so-so, then went and become weird, and quality went way down. I tried watching Euphoria and it was a torture from beginning to the end. I am fully aware I don't like to watch anything that is about high school and teenagers and children. As soon as I see the words "teenagers" or "high school" in movie or series description, I totally lose interest in it. I am fully grown up person, middle aged woman and nothing about schools or teenagers or children isn't in any way relatable or interesting to me anymore. To me, those are just children and I can't relate to them anymore, I don't find them attractive or particularly interesting, which is, I guess, normal for an adult. While I like horror genre, which also likes to "use" teenagers as characters, I am not fond of that part of genre either. I am much more comfortable watching horror or any other genre with full grown adults. Why would I enjoy watching fictional kids being fictionally slaughtered?

Recently, I started watching "One of us is lying" as it was on cable, and it looked like a decent thriller and... surprise, surprise! It's about high school kids! All main characters are 16 or 17, I have no idea, because they are clearly played by adults. That's supposed to calm down viewers during sex or murder scenes, and make them not to feel like total pervert when those "kids" are dressed and made up like grown up super models. Same problem as with Euphoria or Pretty Little Liars, Riverdale and many other series which happen in high school is the same pattern. High school children are played by very good looking adults, ages 20 or 25 and even over 30! Problem with that is that those characters, which are supposed to be children, are clearly sexualized over the top, not only in their looks, but also in numerous sex scenes and other scenes of clearly very adult behavior. In Euphoria, most "teen" girls wear heavy make up, dress in super tight super short revealing clothes which would make porn stars blush, and sex scenes are quite revealing, steamy, and ironically, often R rated! One of us is lying is also presenting child characters as attractive full grown people who look, think and behave like adults. Since, in all those series, "kids" are played by clearly adult actors (children of that age NEVER look like that), I guess that is supposed to make viewers more comfortable with hyper-sexualization.

But question is: why does it always have to be a high school? Why any of these series couldn't happen in college? Or, I don't know, anywhere between adults? Why is Hollywood so obsessed with high school and teenagers? I went to high school once long time ago, I see teenagers in the streets or in buses all the time and they don't look anything like that. They look and behave like kids. Boys don't have large muscular bodies and chiseled face of 30 year old man, girls don't really look like women, well.. most of them don't. There are always those who wear too much make up and dress like adults, but I think, hope, that's minority. Children should be just children. There is nothing sexy in teenagers. Those two words should not be even i same sentence! Kids should never ever be even fictionally, played by adults, in sex scenes! Ever! Why not put "One of us is lying" in college? What would change? Would the story suffer so much? I don't get it. Why encourage constantly sexualization of children? That's so sick. Not even the fact that they are played by adults can make that acceptable. That is just the way to make all feel "better" creating or watching such abominations. To makes us feel less as pervs.

Is it so hard to make high school series where children are not over sexualized? Like try it with '90s Heartbreak high. Yes, there are some dark themes in this series, and some really tough explorations of difficult situations that can happen to teenagers. But they are not sexualized. Not even when they are played by people who are over 18. It's much easier to watch. I used to watch that when I was young, and there was always valuable lesson in each episode, and troubles, struggles and problems were tough and real, and we got to identify with these adolescents. I don't know if I were teenager today, how the hell would I identify with some 28 year old woman, dressed in super tight glittery dress, which shows her ample cleavage, legs, tight flat stomach and pretty much everything else, all perfect with no single pimple or greasy hair, wears tone of make up and has super professionally done hair, who walks in 5 inch heals into school and has sex with 10 boys before dinner, while having huge hunk of boyfriend, also played by some 30 year old man who is constantly forgetting to put a shirt on? And yes, they all drive expensive cars and have adult problems.

For which audience are those shows made? For teenagers? Hardly. So many R rated scenes, not for kids. For adults? To watch "underage" adolescents problems about sex, relationships, drugs, crime, and to watch uncomfortable sex scenes between two who are supposed to be kids (but luckily are not)?

Why is Hollywood so obsessed with high school?

Read my horror novel "The Vortex" free of charge

 I wrote my novel "The Vortex" circa 2005-2006 so translating it to English requires next to name adapting also adapting it to be more up-to-date. Translation is going as fast as I can do it, so far Five chapters are uploaded and you can read it Free of Charge on this link:

https://www.inkitt.com/BiljanaM

Five people, three young men and two young women, accompanied by mysterious deformed man who apparently lives for hundreds of years, step into a woods with no exit. From the outside, on the maps, the woods are small area, but once you get in, there is no end in sight. Strange things start to happen, and strange blood thirsty creatures are appearing in the woods, threatening to kill and dismember the group. Even things that appear harmless can kill you in this place. It's never safe. Cars are starting to lose gas, people are starting to get tired and apathetic, will they ever get out?