Pisanije

I am invisible, but not in a sense people may think when someone says this phrase. When someone says they are invisible, they usually mean visually unremarkable, someone that blends in with a crowd that can be easily forgotten. Which is not necessarily a bad thing, if you ask me. While with aging (and I am approaching 54 this year), yes, sure I am becoming visually more and more "unremarkable" with each year, thanks to our social culture that for women only quality is her youth and looks (because we are not humans, see my other article about that topic), I think I am not quite there yet. I am still pretty recognizable, and if I want (but I usually don't) I can stand out in the crowd. But that's not what I mean by invisible. I am invisible as complete person, as personality with all the things I can do and I can offer. And I am pretty sure I am not the only one who feels like that. Unless you are rich, famous, ultra media-gorgeous, so talented that it's unique in t...

Recently, I noticed that even though I sometimes complain of being lonely, I actually actively decline almost every human contact that is offered to me. And I mean 99% of it, if not a whole 100%. I don't really know why, and what is happening to me but I am just so freaking tired, I can't find the strength to deal with people, any people. It's not just physical tiredness, although there is that too, there is enormous mental, emotional, psychological tiredness that I can't seem to overcome. I don't have the will to do anything. Sometimes, I even prepare myself, like, I will go out and socialize, and then just give up. I think I am broken. I do socialize though with animals, mostly cats. Because, it's so easy. They are cute and cuddly, they enjoy pets, they like to eat and they are happy when they get food and cuddles. It's so easy. There is a catch with that connection too. Since those are strays, they do sometimes, disappear or die, get sick, get hurt, and i...

 Over next weeks I am going to give my best to erase most traces of me from the internet, especially social media. I may leave some account deactivated while I decide what to do with them, as I worked a lot on them, and I can't remove my novel from Amazon, and other sites that have my name on it, but as much as I can remove, I will remove. I want googling my name to return as less as possible. I am going away. I want to erase as much traces of me as I can. Maybe I will remove my novel and other novels I put online too, I am still not sure about this but I am thinking of it. No one reads them anyway. Going off the grid is not finished with social media and internet, I am going off in real life too, as much as possible. I am done with most of humanity. I had my fair share of crap received from people, insults, being hurt, being misunderstood, people who hate me but have no fucking idea who I am, rude people, people who want to use me and pretend it's good deed, people who attack ...

 Getting older is a privilege, not everyone gets a privilege to get old, to be 80, 90 or older. Getting older while keeping decent health is even more of a privilege, even though average human life span is getting longer keeping health with age is still hard. Not everyone gets smarter with age, not everyone gets to be a better person, smarter, wiser, deserving more respect, sadly some people don't grow or learn, some just get to be worse as humans. But what about those who grew older or old, and do get wiser, smarter or just are decent people as they always were? What happens in society where older people are considered ugly, scary, non-attractive, gross, non-interesting, and just plain annoying? Where most people treat them like they should just disappear? Hide, don't talk much, don't flaunt themselves in any way, and God forbid show any trace of sexuality because, that's "gross"? Even if you are objectively not old, but not young either, you are treated like...