Pisanije

Recently I watched "Obsession" in Cinema and it made me think. Being passenger in your own body and not being able to control it while feeling everything and still being inside of that mind is specific kind of horror. But, this is something I've lived through almost every day of my life. In dreams. Dreams are huge mystery and people still have no idea what they are exactly, why do we need them at all. Sleep, ok, fine, body is regenerating, brain is regenerating, but why dreams exist? And why are they so weird? Even animals dream though we will never know what. In huge majority of my dreams I am someone else, not me, probably not even on this planet or this dimension, or this timeline. Only in rare occasions I can do anything to control body I am occupying in those dreams, more often than not, I am just that: a Passenger. A parasite, a little soul in mind of different body that has their own mind, life, habits, world. I am just inside of that mind, observing, feeling every...

I tried fighting my depresseion many times. I have my fake smile that probably does not fool anyone, I have my weak jokes, usually at my own account, I mostly seclude in my apartment and don't go out almost ever. If I go among people I can only recognize how mentally bad I am, so I just avoid it. I might be wrong but possibly a lot of people feel like this. Pressing anxiety, along with my terrible health anxiety, joined with even more pressing depression, and seeing how far I am, or how far I feel, behind other people. In every aspect of life that counts. It's not allowed to say this. I tried joining online groups for people with depression and funny thing is, in these stupid groups, it's only allowed to surface complain, whine, but not too much. If you even try to say what's really on your mind, you are banned. How "funny" this is? I mean, really. The whole thing is a joke. People crying online, real people, crushed, and the "group" allowes them onl...

I collect Dylan Dog comics. I really do. It started long time ago, when I was in my early 20s, I started buying this comic on regular basis, and collected it, issue by issue, book by book. It was really fun, horror series comics, usually coming out weekly or monthly, and I loved it. Yes, it was copying heavily from famous books and movies, some would say "not stealing, homage", but yes, there was a lot of "homage" from famous movies and novels, usually from 1970s, 1980s and later 1990s. Those were small, paperback books which were cheap and I could carry them anywhere with me. Episodes were mostly separate stories, which is a good thing because you are not forced to buy every single book and follow a story. there were some two-parts episodes but mostly, 1 story per book. And of course, I loved it! Most stories had usual format: pretty girl comes to Dylan and asks for help about somethig supernatural. He feels in love with her, sometimes she does not love him back bu...

 When you walk down the streets in the middle of the day, sunshine, broad streets, you are walking fast and confident, the last thing you expect is that you can get mugged. Well, you would be wrong. I was walking, as I mentioned, middle of the day, 1 pm, sun blasting, middle of town, no crowds... sounds safe? No. One advice: do NOT, ever, wear backpack with zipper on your back, casually, or even a bag that is easy to open, and walk thinking nothing can happen. It can. Be aware 100% always. Once, years ago, someone snatched pretty expensive face serum directly from my bag, in the center of town, again broad daylight, people all around, and apparently, I learned nothing. I was lucky it was just that serum. But how did my cap (plain, acrylic, see photo bellow) saved me? Well, I was walking with backpack casually over my shoulder when I felt backpack moving. I turned around and there they were, two kids, maybe 13-14 or 15 years old, boy and a girl, directly behind me, with hands on my ...

People give a lot of power to money, influence, beauty, even just plain youth. People think when you have some of visible, society defined qualities, you have no chance of failing, you have something to fight for. Truth is, none of that matters without hope. Just plain hope. People underestimate hope. They underestimate dreams, goals, having vision of something that you strive to, that you see as goal, possibility. Take that away and you are creating misery. That goes for every single aspect in life. You can give someone a lot, you can try to be reassuring, you can tell them what you think they want to hear, you can be giving in various ways, but if you revoke the hope. if you null the future, if you say that anything they dream of will never be, that is all for nothing. You can apply this to any situation in life, jobs, hobbies, art, relationships, health.... it's is always the same. No matter what we do, no matter how we live or how we look, or how old we are, having hope is what...

I am invisible, but not in a sense people may think when someone says this phrase. When someone says they are invisible, they usually mean visually unremarkable, someone that blends in with a crowd that can be easily forgotten. Which is not necessarily a bad thing, if you ask me. While with aging (and I am approaching 54 this year), yes, sure I am becoming visually more and more "unremarkable" with each year, thanks to our social culture that for women only quality is her youth and looks (because we are not humans, see my other article about that topic), I think I am not quite there yet. I am still pretty recognizable, and if I want (but I usually don't) I can stand out in the crowd. But that's not what I mean by invisible. I am invisible as complete person, as personality with all the things I can do and I can offer. And I am pretty sure I am not the only one who feels like that. Unless you are rich, famous, ultra media-gorgeous, so talented that it's unique in t...