Recently, I noticed that even though I sometimes complain of being lonely, I actually actively decline almost every human contact that is offered to me. And I mean 99% of it, if not a whole 100%. I don't really know why, and what is happening to me but I am just so freaking tired, I can't find the strength to deal with people, any people. It's not just physical tiredness, although there is that too, there is enormous mental, emotional, psychological tiredness that I can't seem to overcome. I don't have the will to do anything. Sometimes, I even prepare myself, like, I will go out and socialize, and then just give up. I think I am broken.
I do socialize though with animals, mostly cats. Because, it's so easy. They are cute and cuddly, they enjoy pets, they like to eat and they are happy when they get food and cuddles. It's so easy. There is a catch with that connection too. Since those are strays, they do sometimes, disappear or die, get sick, get hurt, and it's not always an option to help them. It can get sad and devastating when you loose a little fury friend, it happens. But it's still easier than with humans.
Being alone can feel hard sometimes, for some people it's unbearable. But for others, like me, when you get too much of it, not only you get used to it, you get addicted. You get addicted to your own space and time, which is yours and yours alone. You get addicted on doing exactly what you want when you want and not respond to anyone, and not having to justify anything you ever do because there is no one to respond to or justify. It's just you. And while it may sound sad, once you get used to it, it's very very hard to get out of that state, even if you have multiple options to do so.
Society makes us hate being single and alone. It's easy to be alone, providing you are capable to taking care of yourself without anyone else's help. It's so freaking easy! Society makes it hard for us. We pay more, almost double, when we travel single. When we sit in a coffee shop or restaurant or many public places, it's all made for couples and it's so obvious. Everything is made for couples, or friends, even movies and tv shows promote them. Like we don't matter, like we are second class citizens, because it's a shame being alone. I had people telling me to "find someone quickly" because aging alone is apparently the worst thing they can imagine. But even if you are lucky enough to find your real soul-mate, no one guaranties you anything. It may not last, person could die, or get really sick, or you could, multiple things can happen, life is cruel.
Perks of being alone: you can never be hurt by yourself, abandoned, ghosted, lied to, be accused of being too demanding or too needy... it's just you. On the other hand, you can not hold yourself, a lot of times, you can not help yourself, or get a relief from things that are bothering you. You are by yourself. Everything has a price. Pick yours.
Having people with you, in any social role, friendship, acquaintance, romantic... doesn't matter, also includes a lot of responsibilities. You need to give your time, your space, your ear, your wisdom, your help, sometimes more, to get relationships. It's never free, nothing is. People expect you to give, whatever, but give, because that is relationship, friendship, connection. You need to be there for someone, in many ways and forms. And when you are so tired, you have no strength or will, or any positive energy, to give anymore. You have nothing to give. You have no hope, no faith left for people anymore. You want nothing to receive, because you don't know what you want anymore. You have been your own company for too long. And maybe, maybe, it's all over for you, regarding any type of socializing. It's a trap. Being alone for too long is a trap. Lovely, sometimes sad, sometimes, scary, but beautiful trap.
Or am I just depressed?
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