Ending it all

 Now are the times when it's "inconvenient" to mention the word "suicide" because "it might give people ideas", but honestly, some people just never get to think about ending it all, while others do not need any reminders. I don't really get that forbidden word. Once I joined online group for people with depression and it was forbidden to write anything triggering, and not just the S word, I mean anything. It was bloody stupid. People were lashing out, writing about their own personal traumas, being left, being widowed, being alone, feeling ugly and it was overwhelming, but no one was allowed to mention suicide, or medications or anything that could "trigger" someone. I left the stupid group. I mean, reading other people's sad stories is much more triggering, especially when you realize how no one, even you, fucking no one, cares. Because, we have out own burden of sadness to carry, why the hell we would want someone else's too? It's the moment you realize, movies and tv shows, books, all that, lied to you. There are no great friends who will be with you in thick and thin, there is no great love that will make you happy, hell no one can make you happy, if you can't then, that's it! You are officially depressed, forever.

In case you are smart, intelligent person, who sees things, prone to overthinking you are basically screwed, it's almost for sure you will think about ending it all from time to time, more or less seriously. People WILL betray you. People will screw you over. People will make you feel like crap. Partners you love will leave you like you meant nothing, and friends will leave you too. If you get sick, or you stop being fun, you will be alone. Life is no tv show, life is no fun, people are selfish, cruel bastards most of the time and what you do for others will not be returned to you most of the time. Because, life IS cruel. It's cruel even for rich people, it may be less cruel for people who are not that smart, people who are quite simple, because they don't dig deep, and that's a good thing. But even they get sad, everyone has tough times. Only reasons may vary.

I was hurt so many times, I thought I will get used to it. But you never do. That's fucking fact of life and fucking fact of your brain. You never totally get used to being hurt, to being abandoned, to feeling like crap. Is it easier for people who don't ever need others? Are there such people? If there are, it must be easier. Otherwise, as soon as you want to socialize, to get into relationships, you are doomed to be in pain, for most part.

Do I ever think about suicide? Sure, who doesn't. Sometimes, I am so tired, but can't sleep, for hours and hours and that's torture. I lost people, in many various ways, I was hurt, in many various ways, I was treated like utter crap, in many various ways. Does it ever get easier? NO.