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Priča o prilagođavanju, o pretvaranju, o uticajima okoline na čoveka


Priča opet negde iz perioda 1992/1993 godine, mislim da sam bila pod utiskom toga koliko okruženje, ljudi oko nas, okolnosti, društvo, utiču na nas i formiranje naše ličnosti, i to koliko moramo da se pretvaramo da bi bili prihvaćeni. Jeste možda malo naivno, ali dobro, ipak sam tada bila vrlo mlada i vrlo neiskusna.
 
KUPAC
autor: Biljana Malešević

Nije on naprosto LIČIO na čoveka, on je BIO čovek, samo sa malom greškom. Možda bi bilo tačnije reći "ono" umesto "on", jer to biće nije imalo pol. Ono je variralo, menjalo se. U nekom vremenskom periodu neodređene dužine bio bi jedna gotovo sasvim određena ličnost i delovao bi toliko oformljeno i skladno i toliko stvarno da bi samo sasvim pažljiv, pa još i zainteresovan posmatrač mogao da primeti neznatno talasanje u njegovom izgledu i ponašanju. Ma koliko da se trudio, nije čak  mogao ni da se sasvim stabilizuje u jednom obličju i liku, čak ni nakratko, već je više, onako, varirao oko nekog ravnotežnog položaja. Što bi varijacije postajale jače i očiglednije, to bi mu bivalo sve jasnije da opet gubi svoju novu ličnost i da je nova transformacija blizu. Osećao se kao neŠto skrpano i sklepano od nekakve gomile delova od kojih ni tri nisu bila istog porekla. U stvari, osećao se nekako pasivno u pogledu te transformacije, kao da se deŠavala spontano, poput bolesti, bez njegove lične volje. S tim što je znao da to nije bolest i da on sam odabira delove za svoju novu ličnost. Možda delom nesvesno, ali ipak je to ON radio. Bilo je to kao da ulazi u neku stravičnu verziju samousluge sa gondolama natrpanim raznim ljudskim stilovima, osobinama, karakterima, načinima na koji se nosi kosa, oči, ruke, hod... Onda bi uzimao, to jest kupovao. Sve se plaća, moj brajko, baš sve. Čak i u mentalnoj samousluzi. Ali ti delovi nisu bili trajni. Ubrzo bi osetio kako varijacije jačaju, kako se njegova nova ličnost sve više talasa, poput slike pod vodom, a onda raspada. Valjda ih je njegov sopstveni organizam odbacivao kao reakciju na strano telo. Tolerisao bi ih neko vreme, a onda prosto ustanovio da nisu njegovi. Vrišteći u sebi, a ne puštajući krik da izađe napolje, osim kad bi malo izgubio kntrolu i onda oseti kako bol curi iz njega kao voda iz probušene kese, jasno bi osećao kako mu se organi cepaju, a nervne ćelije razilaze, kako gubi kontrolu nad skrpljenim delovima, koji počinju da rade nesinhronizovano, nezavisno. Kad bi bol postao već neizdrživ i kad bi osetio da će se raspasti, počinjao bi novu transformaciju. Ulazio ponovo u mentalnu prodavnicu delova ličnosti i tragao, tragao za onim delovima koji neće otpasti, koji će trajati, to jest, za njegovim rođenim, istinskim delovima, to nesrećno, izobličeno biće, koje je tragalo za samim sobom.

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